October 10th 2026 / CW: Gender dysphoria, brief discussion of racism
This week has been full of mixed emotions. Excitement as I am seeing all of my friends again, workshops, classes, diploma prep... But I have been feeling very overwhelmed for some time now, I have just been denying it. I need alone time, I need to be shut out from the world, to just hole myself in my room and work. Peacefully. Still, socializing with others pulls me in. I have a great time, but I am left more exhausted afterwards. And it just keeps on happening and I am dreading going to the festival next week. I have been really productive but if mania is creeping up on me again, I really really cannot afford the crash that comes afterwards. Oh well my spirals will be reserved post explaining what I have been up to.
My 7y/o phone also kicked the bucket finally. It was the screen display connectors that died and was supposed to just get that fixed. The dude told me 110 euros which I reluctantly said yes to. Upon looking closer at it tho, noticed that the battery is also going to explode and just offered to transfer everything onto a used phone for a big old 100. I don't use my phone for anything outrageous so honestly? Just getting this out of the way is more than welcome. It has been a long time coming and I would say I got off cheap. Honestly, I couldn't even get mad when it broke. I sort of just sighed and focused on fixing it. Dunno what that says about my mental state. I guess it's knowing that not having my phone is a welcome change even if I do rely on it. Possible technofeudalism rant later (spoiler alert, it happens).
So before I dive into general thoughts that bring me dread, what has been done this week? Well the answer is drawing, animating and diploma preparation, as well as some yet to be released site coding! Some of you may know that I have considered giving up on my animation degree, instead pursuing something more video game oriented. I am not sure if something just clicked in my head or have I simply started to enjoy animation. I did small gifs and doodles for funsies, a Shouta wip that I have posted on bluesky as well. I am thankful I didn't give up on it fully, especially because my masters will be animation as well. If I have time I could also attempt to apply for the Shcha7sec festival if I have the time for a small project. I will see how my schedule and work ethic fairs.
Enjoy a little Lotta in this trying time! :]
For drawing, I have simply enjoyed drawing my OCs and catching up on owed art. I feel very sorry that I am taking so long. Art is a job I need to take seriously and install a more thorough accountability system. Since the next update will probably festival oriented, when I finish this batch I will update with what I come up. It would be something that balances out my shoulder issues, uni and doing art. Other stuff is concepts for my diploma work. It will be based off a nightmare I had about "what if AI doesn't only harm us cognitively, but physically too". I will have to fight for slow pacing but I think it could be a nice horror short. Coding wise, just prepping the art gallery and concepts for revamping the about me page.
Now for my delirious mental spirals. I have been considering if I may be autistic again. My whole life I have been listening to people, ranging from neurotypical to diagnosed that I show a lot of autistic traits. Namely these are my overwhelming fixation on my OCs, now being terrible at social norms/signs and frankly, more I don't feel like getting into. I have been wrestling with the thought for a couple of years, but I feel like half of my social struggles were more me being driven insane by constant irony so am I then truly autistic then? In my unprofessional opinion, autism to me is a social construct because some people operate differently and that's alright. With that, me self-diagnosing autism shouldn't change anything. It in fact doesn't at all. Yet, it feels like I would be invalidating others with the experience or making up an excuse for being the way that I am rather than just it being who I choose to be. To the world it would be come off as pretending that there is something wrong, when it doesn't seem that way. If they believe me, would I be admitting that there is an error I was born with? Maybe I will just be a ditzy girl to the world forever (I say with gritted teeth).
Gender has also been a tough thing. Serbian is a gendered language so during my stay home, my brain got rewired to refer to myself in feminine form which just leaves a terrible taste in my mouth. Same goes for referring to myself as trans. Yes, I fall under the trans umbrella but I have an issue with using the label to describe myself. This also goes for transmasc because I don't think it encompasses my experience with gender. I say I am non-binary/agender but I would say it's something different. I feel devoid of a gender, but at the same time like I am gender. I wouldn't say I am both a man and a woman, I am not really demi anything, queer is too specific somehow and while it is fluid it's also not? Everything yet nothing at the same time. At times I feel inhuman. I move through this life being something wearing a horrid skin suit. It's not ill fit but it doesn't feel right, not just yet. I am so beautiful, I am so pretty, but god whenever I look into the mirror it's like a fog. This flesh really is mine. It's mine, I live in it, but if I connect that this is my body and I lie within the nerves....It hurts. Maybe it's a phase and it goes away when my skin matches the thing inside, maybe I am in denial of being a woman, maybe I will feel this genderlessness forever. Who knows. Only one way to find out.
Politics are always harrowing as parlament votings are happening in Serbia soon. New president, same fucking bullshittery since she's from the same wing as our previous fuck face (and he is still vice president or whatever, I cannot care to look up what premijer is in English). The people around me think that no matter who wins vote wise, that this will truly be the breaking point for the better or worse. God, if something does happen, I don't think I can even demand visibility. There's so many atrocities going on in the world with literally everyone voting in dictators, infighting, in war and/or victims of genocide. Where I am studying at (which I try to keep to myself for personal reasons), they seem keen on stripping my rights as well. Phenomenal! And every time I talk about it with other people, they tell me "Oh it's for the darker skinned ones, not us". Even if true, that is still fucked up and should be stopped, though here it has already expanded beyond that. I keep on saying that it's only a matter of time till it gets pushed to everyone and that we should care. Alas nobody listens. Nobody ever fucking listens to me. But oh well, time to strap in and pray to the gods that things turn out alright. Not a lot I can do in any of these, really. All I can do is raise awareness and vote for the betterment of my own country.
Also everything becoming digitized has been hitting a nerve of mine for a while. We are dependent on all of this technology in order to do anything these days. Banking, discounts, identification. Everything wants your damn data, everything wants you to talk to an AI assistant, everything is enshittified, everything wants you to pay a subscription, you own nothing. Privacy comes at a price and one I am willing to pay because I am tired of playing these games. AI especially infuriates me because I see what it's doing to those around me, yet nobody listens. I don't think I will go into detail here but it is harrowing. Nothing is made for the sake of good anymore, it is only made for the sake of profit, exploitation and abuse. We always compromise, we always let em push a little further and now we have age verification, censorship, bans, cover ups and so much misinformation. Social media is all we have as an accessible way to stay in touch, share art and have a living. I am so tired of it being that way. I can no longer be happy for any new thing because all I think about is how this is used to dumb us down, breed hatred or straight up use us. It's sickening. Individual influence is what I can do, so I just hope that through talking to people, I can get through to someone. It in turn starts a domino effect that I am not even aware of. It's not a lot but it adds up. Or so I hope since I for sure cannot lead a group. It's too much stress and it's not something I am capable of right now.
I'm scared, I'm overwhelemed, I'm tired. I'm so tired. I do not want to live but at my core, even if it's all dire I still get up. I don't know why I have this....resilience (probably not the right word), but hey I do. They call me Springtrap with the way I keep on coming back [GUNSHOT]. I guess I will just have to see where things go and figure out what to do. There's too much to do.
Thank you for reading.