October 5th 2026 / CW: Mentions of ableism
I am back abroad again and have had time to readjust. As opposed to the previous times where I was overwhelmed with relief, this time I don't feel that different being away from home. I think all of the responsibility is weighing down on me. It's a lot. I presume I am also trying to distract myself from that fact but I am fighting to keep my hands on the wheel. I am rooming with another friend at the dorm who is thankfully also alright with me making weird pornography and gore (or the two combined) so I am saved! Spent the week socializing again with my friends/colleagues, settling in, all that jazz. I have been spending a lot more time in my head though. I find myself turning off and holding some monologue in my head. Who knows if it's for the better or worse.
Before I get into philosophical stuff like every blog post, what was done this week? Or rather weeks since well, skipped one due to moving. All buttons on the front page except the pagedolls have been rehauled! Worked on some owed commissions that I wish to get more serious about. I had to lock in eventually and I think the time is now. I did more photobashing that I have yet to upload and some thumbnails for revamping my about me page! Doodles. Doodles, doodles, doodles particularly of Lotta which is a nice change of pace. She's been on my mind more than usual. Designed my fallout OC and made a simple reference for him. Working on comics!! I've been chipping away at a small 2-page comic of Shouta n Lotta in their highschool times. The biggest thing so far making "Self Love!" in 2 days for Noise Jam 4! From planning to 16 pages done (technically 12 for two being black spreads with some dialogue) which makes me pretty proud. It taught me about simplification and experimentation with paneling, while helping me get some feelings out. Your constructed identity is just trying to protect you, don't be too hard on it.
Now for everyone's favorite! I yap about stuff for a couple of paragraphs. This week I have been looking into personality disorders, particularly the cluster b ones (HPD, BPD, ASPD, NPD). I have some friends who have them so I got a little bit curious and went down a rabbithole. It was very informative getting perspectives from people who have these disorders, especially given how stigmatized they are. I sort of knew how badly people with any kind of mental disorder are treated, but this made it sink in for real. Even with these issues, my friends are some of the nicest people I know so this really made me ask myself... what makes a person good? Because it sure as hell isn't a diagnosis.
We force mentally ill or disabled people to not only come halfway, but all the way just to integrate into society. If someone functions differently, especially if they don't process life in the same way, we are quick to other them. A lot of these discussions (namely ASPD and NPD) were also about intent, particularly people having self serving motivations for selfless acts. This. This is what really made me reconsider things really hard. What if a person helps out people, without hurting others, for their own gain? Does it really matter if it's more about self fulfillment than anything else if it's a net positive to everyone around them? Does it matter if a person doesn't feel care, but still bothers to show it in some way so we feel cared for? I consider myself as someone "well intentioned" rather than a "good person". I know I can be both selfless and selfish sometimes so I started dissecting my own motivations behind things. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that all of my reasons started with "I want". I want to see that friend happy. I want to feel connection. I want others to not suffer as I have. Looking at other people I found the same thing. I thought the statement "All humans are inherently selfish" sounded so stupid until now. I don't think I will unfortunately ever fully grasp how my friends work but this has fundamentally changed how I look at people forever. I am very thankful for that.
With that out of the way, what's next? I have a pitch to conjure up for this years project so getting down to business it is. I will continue writing my comic, doing small stuff on the side, coding the site aaand finish some commissions this week. Maybe I will make a small animation for a festival? Still on the fence about that. Thought of doing an October drawing challenge but I think it just ain't happening. I will be attending some festivals this semester too so you know what that means! Work hard but PARTY HARDER! I feel like there is something more but it is 2am at the moment I fear. If you read all the way through this, thank you and I hope you have a good day! All the power to ya for the incoming week!