Something changed in my mind while writing this, I can see past the fog and it's beautiful

October 19th 2026 / CW: Mental health and long as fuck?

Well. This was one hell of a week. Unfortunately as mentioned beforehand, no new art was done this week except for tiny doodles. I have realized how much the people around me irrationally (or in some cases rationally) irritate me, although my threshold for enduring all this has been very much lowered by my mental state which I got plenty to think about.

I think my spirit was shattered by the fact that I was hyperaware of things happening to me, arguing for 2 months with my parents and them not acknowledging how their behavior hurts me. Even my therapist asked me why do I waste the energy to do so if I will soon (hopefully) be independent and living on my own, far away from them too. It kind of made me spiral back into dissociation and depression which kinda went hand in hand with my workaholic tendencies. Thankfully acknowledging this earlier on helps it not escalate into mania, I think so at least. While I was vigilant and angry, I really did yearn for dissociation again. Being back in this hole, I regret it, I really do. It's so terrible every day is so foggy. You don't remember what is when and when is what. Oh well. I will crawl out of this hole once again when the time comes.

One of the things I was running away from seems to be the fact that I may very well be, whether or not I like it, autistic. I have discussed it with some diagnosed friends who all looked at me like I was insane for having this conversation with them... again. Oh well, I will use self-diagnosis as a tool to move a little easier through everything. I have felt like I should start learning how to read people and social queues a little better but it's very daunting. How can I even know if I did a good job if no one tells me? Why must learning communication and being human require other people. It's humiliating.